Happy Potty and the Disappearing Chamber Pot
by Viridescent Flame
Summary: A tongue-in-cheek parody of all my favourite Harry Pottter characters. Intended only in the spirit of fun. Do review.


Happy Potty and the Disappearing Chamber Pot

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Just playing with the characters. Intended only in the spirit of fun. Do review.**

**For: Cuzins**

**Chapter 1**

Happy stared at lovingly at Hogswatch as Hair-a-lots was leading the first years to the boats. His great bushels of hair almost sweeping along the year ones in front of him. Happy leaned back in contentment, Hogswatch had the best toilets ever and magical resupply meant that they never ran out of toilet paper.

Happy was soon happily ensconced between Hermoninny and Rohan, munching away at Hogswatch's welcoming feast. He was tucking into his favourite Bumkin pie when man-shaped shadow fell over his plate. He looked up into the blazing blue eyes of Fako Foilfoy. His skin was almost a carrotty orange from the layers of fake tan caked in his skin which contrasted with his bleached platinum blonde hair. Happy stared lost in the observation that Fako looked amazingly like Paris Hilton and completed whether Paris Hilton was actually Fako in drag. The blue eyes were close enough for him to see the faint blue rings of coloured contacts. Fako sniffed, "Not been to the potty yet Potty?" and burst into short barks of laughter at the cleverness of his own joke. Grabbe and Goy Goy flanking Fako both looked at each other nervously and broke into snorts of forced laughter.

Rohan who was busy adding copius amounts of chilli to everything put down the chilli sauce and glared at Fako, "Shove off yar! Wat did you do to your face? You look the same colour as my mother's pickled lemons."

Fako sniffed at Rohan, "What the hell is pickled lemons? And don't talk to me Rooohan, your mother can hardly feed you."

Happy suddenly terribly hot. The scar on his forehead blazed. He stood up his chair fell back as his fingers started crackling with power. However before his could unleash any magic, Hermoniiny stood and delivered a stinging slap across Fako's face. "Get lost you orange coloured fake blonde." Fako looked so shocked that he backed up immediately and left, Grabbe and Goy Goy trailing behind him. Hermoininny sat back down with flushed cheeks while Rohan looked at her admiringly and heaped some papadums on her plate as a thank you gesture. Happy righted his chair and sat down feeling the scar on his forehead. Since his entry to Hogswatch, the shape of his scar had led to great debate. Many had said the scar was shaped like a leaf or horse-shoe but Happy knew better, after all, he looked at his scar every time he went to the Potty. It looked like a toilet seat, no doubt about it.

The food disappeared as the headmaster, Deafly-Bore stood up to make his speech. Deafly-Bore was famed through the lands as the only wizard whom the feared Lord Moudlypants was afraid of. He was he only one capable of boring even the Dark Lord to sleep. When he started speaking whole swathes of student immediately went to sleep, some snoring loudly in their chairs. Hermoininny quickly cast a shield spell around them to mitigate the intense monotone coming from Deafly-bore's mouth.

First he introduced the new teachers. Apparently Snap was potions master again! Happy glanced over and saw the greasy-headed Professor poking his arm repeatedly with a fork to keep awake.

"We must beware Mouldpants! He is a most dangerous wizard... mumble, mumble, sniff, sniff." Happy felt the words seeping into his brain. His eyes seemed to be closing of their own accord.

**Chapter 2**

Happy woke up with start. He found himself in his dorm. Rohan mumbled something about Aishwarya Rai and rolled over with a smile on his face. Realizing he was still in his uniform, Happy got up and changed into his pyjamas. Was it his imagination or did his pyjama pants feel warm and slightly moist? Happy shrugged and was distracted as he felt his lower stomach rumble. Time for the Potty. He got up and made his way slowly downstairs past the staircase and the main Gryffindork room where the embers had burnt low casting the red room in shadows. He finally pulled his pants down and sat wincing a little at the coldness of the seat. He sighed relieved and reached for the toilet paper when he suddenly felt a throbbing the side of his leg. He stared at the inside of his pants, the green spot he had noticed earlier seemed to have grown bigger and it seemed to be throbbing. Happy shook his head to make sure he wasn't seeing things as dirty green bubbles rose off the pants and popped near his spec with a faint gurgle. Happy stared shocked as the outline of a face seemed to form in the green putrid patch.

"Happy Potty..." the voice gasped out.

"Mouldy pants?" Happy gasped and tried in vain to remove his pants but it stayed where it was held by some invisible strength. He stared in horror the rapid expanding mould patch in his trousers.

"I'm finally going to get you boy.." the voice wheezed, growing stronger by the second.

" So looong I had to endure in that suitcase. That smell of owl droppings are still no where as smelly as your underwear. What have you been eating boy?"

Happy cast about desperately and realized he had left his wand in his room. The green in his pants was growing larger and was acquiring a rapidly more belligerent personality! He pulled desperately at his pants but it wouldn't come off.

"When I'm done with you boy, the mould on the walls will look better than you" cackled the evil maouldstain alias Lord Mouldpants. All of a sudden the bathroom door swung open. Snap stood there in all his greasy glory, oil from his hair making greasy spots on the shoulders of his dressing gown. "Potty!" Snap snapped.

Happy felt torn between screaming at his Professor for help or screaming for help because the Professor he hated was stared down him when his pants was down. He didn't have a chance to open his mouth as Rohan and Hermioninny burst in behind Snap.

"I knew something was happening!" exclaimed Rohan staring at his mouldfying trousers. "With your bowels, your usually done with the Potty in seconds!"

Hermoininny, never having seen a boy with his pants down fell into a dead faint.

Rohan only barely caught her before setting her down on the floor...


End file.
